Types of sex after marriage:

 

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After being married for many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says:
- I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.
- Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby!
- Make up your mind fast, I have to adjust the chair either way.”

What is the difference between pulling a curtain and a panty?
When you pull a curtain, it means that the show is over.
When you pull down a panty, it means IT'S SHOWTIME!

20 ways to know your are in the lifestyle

1. You are running out of excuses to tell your baby-sitter why you come home at 4am on Sat nights/Sunday morning and have a Freshly F*cked look.
2. Your closet is filled with 5" high heeled shoes... and you have more lingerie than most department stores.
3. You go to Paris once a year and "No Comment" means something to you.
4. You are running out of reasons to tell your "normal" friends why you can't go out with them.
5. At work, when someone tells of a risqué adventure, most are shocked or stunned and you say "Cool!"
6. All of a sudden.. you have friends in Paris, Frankfurt, Madrid, Dubai ....
7. You are sending out online Christmas cards to people with names like: Adultswing, Cartenoir, Sparklingswing, ?..
8. Your nightstand drawer is full of bar napkins with couples names and phone numbers.
9. Many of your pictures are from different hotel rooms and in quite a few you have a convention wristband on.
10. You only know couples by their first names and e-mail addresses.
11. You spend more time grooming your privates than most porn stars.
12. You make plans to meet a "normal" couple at a nice restaurant, and realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear.
13. You both turn your head to watch the hot woman walking down the street!
14. You never open the garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.
15. At the gym shower you're the only one with shaved balls.
16. Wondering how to explain to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags, blankets, pillows and don't leave until early Sunday afternoon.
17. Your kids and the baby-sitter ask why mommy already has her coat on when she comes out of the bedroom every Saturday night.
18. You have a lot of friends all over the world.
19. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
20. Giggling to yourself at the office when your coworkers tell you how wonderful their weekend was... If only they knew!!!!

What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle? coconut

Why had Snow White been chucked out of Disney Land?
She was reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio's face and shouted, 'LIE BASTARD LIE'

Penis and balls arguing.
Balls: Hey, you are very unfair! Everytime you go in you never bring us along and only you enjoy!
Penis: Eh, you think its fun? I always keep vomiting!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"